do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
