I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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