i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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