somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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