you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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