Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
