you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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