I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I smell stomach acid.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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