do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
vagina is talking i cant
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My feet surprised me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
