Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
