I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
