I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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