then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
