I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
