twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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