exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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