Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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