and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
