You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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