How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize