i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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