Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
