you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
