i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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