So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
