News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
