Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
