yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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