nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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