just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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