John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
