There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
