I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
