Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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