do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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