But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
