and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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