Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
