I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize