i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
