if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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