i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
