I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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