I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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