I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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