I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
