i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
The air taste purple.
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