I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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