I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
