someone threw a dead crab at me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
