Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize