not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
