1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
