why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
